My Final Project - "DARK LIGHT"
for "HEALING WITH THE ARTS" Class, University of Florida / Oct 29, 2017 "DARK - LIGHT" or "BLACK - LIGHT,"
the color seen by the eye in perfect darkness - sometimes known as the divine feminine energy. |
Why Did I choose my particular Project?
At first I was going to do a project where I go and do sound "healing" and ceremony for Homeless Soldiers at the Veterans administration. I am a therapeutic sound practitioner (27 years) by trade. I was going to shoot some video footage interviewing the Soldiers and get their responses to the experiences, as I have never done work like that before. With Trauma you have to be especially sensitive and the Project CEO was going to train me in this before I presented so that the soldiers didn’t have PTSD reactions. But when I talked to the organizer, she said I can not do a ceremony (it would seem too woo woo), can not take photos or video, and can not interview the soldiers or ask them about their experience. I decided to pass on the idea.
So what to do? I decided to write and paint about the experiences that are currently consuming my life. Let me elaborate.
It's October 2017. I am going through a major break-up. My relationship left me and took many of the expensive belongings with him along with the income.
I helped him get his last divorce (legal paperwork writing and coaching) and his disability claim and then inevitable retirement together for 5 years with the promise he would then help me as we would then be established financially. I put my life ambitions on hold to help him, then he took off after receiving a big settlement when it was finally his turn to help me fully. I did everything I could to make our relationship work emotionally but my efforts seemed to have no affect in getting us to bond more. He came from a fractured and troubled family, where mine was more normal for the most part. My fall back method is communication, and his is to run or fight. Even-though I felt that this could be healed, I found that nothing seemed to work. Of course this is how I see these events. He inevitably saw through different eyes.
I have been a sound healing practitioner since 1992, and after I had finished helping him, I started pouring myself into the business and he started helping as per our agreement. When he left suddenly after begrudgingly helping for about a year, I had no one to aid with logistics, engineering hauling, and other parts the business that were allocated to him. Without finances, to support the endeavor and live, I was on the verge of homelessness. The court ordered him to make payments but he refused to do so. He cut off the auto insurance and left me unknowingly driving without it as he never informed me he was taking me off the policy. It is against the law to do this. I have been on welfare and food-stamps for the first time in my life.
Life has been like quicksand, and changes with the wind as things he does seem to upset the apple cart. My world seems tenuous and turbulent. Since the time he left, I am actually happier in many ways though few things have fallen into place that insure stability and safety. There have been bouts of fear, panic and uncertainty.
To reiterate, I really have no idea what I am doing in my life at this point, and my PROJECT is about that fact. I was banking my life on the very thing that evaporated. Now I draw a blank. Nothing occurs to me, nothing comes forward. And since I seem to have no idea what I am doing at all, I decided that I am starting where I am at, from that theme, from the NOWHERE SPACE.
What happens when your guidance is pointing you nowhere, clarity evades you and you are fumbling around in the dark? When your efforts seemingly amount to nothing and you have put your energy into a dead end? Some of my journal work leading up to this project was about the fact that I seem to be doing everything from uncertainty. It’s like my whole life is going through a major revision into uncharted territory. Even though I am an artist (past accomplishments and training) I have decided to let myself off the hook and do this project with no intent to make works representational or beautiful or artistic or even good. Just to explore from this place I find myself in. The space for me needed to be "One that is a bit out of my control" like my life, and strangely enough, it seems to echo the current climate in the world where everything is being turned on it's head. In my journal I did a few works where I was painting in the dark. I couldn’t see what colors of paint I was choosing or what it looked like for the most part when I was painting - a parable for my life. I asked the universe for some intervention and got – the word Inspiration. One question became, "How do I get inspiration when I don’t know where I am headed or how to get there?" "Would it even be effective if I discovered something?"
What happens when you are dealing with someone that appears to think nothing of lying and being deceptive? I find that I have in a way changed the way that I have behaved. Where I normally would be open and telling the truth, I have chosen to become more guarded and withholding to protect myself because I find the truth is being used against me. This in some ways has undermined me being open, honest and all the things I revere, thereby dragging me into the morass in a way. The borders have greyed between what is actually good for me to do. It has not at all been comfortable as I am hard pressed to be deceptive or withholding in any way. How does one deal with this? What are the decisions that are in the dark or the light? Good or bad, right or wrong when you are in protective mode. Look to the "#MeToo" phenomenon for a clue!
FOR THIS PROJECT, I HAVE CHOSEN TO PRODUCE an extended body of work writing poetry coupled with producing a new series of paintings executed in the dark symbolizing my journey. These documents and Art works are located below. Some of these ranged from creating them in complete darkness, dim light or with eyes closed. I explored painting and letting only feelings direct me, not visual senses. I used only what was leftover / what I already had in my possession (except for one item). My paints that I have had for years suddenly can no longer be found - Either gone or buried in storage. I only managed to find some sub-par quality tubes we bought at a thrift store where the oil in them has separated from the pigment. So I have been making due with what is leftover - my new life being created from what is remaining, even if it seems not optimal. Example, I did not have access to charcoal for drawing but I had access to a charcoal that you would use for incense lighting so I did a drawing with it in my journal.
This Final Project called DARK LIGHT is dedicated to the light that leads me in the dark, the not knowing what to do, and how to do it but doing it anyway, and to feeling my way around "in the dark" when I do not know the ramifications of all my actions. Also DARK LIGHT describes the blur between light and dark and the choices you may make when dealing with less than optimal circumstances.
Further when I told a friend the subject and title of my project, she said, "do you know what the term Dark Light means?", and suggested I look up "Dark Light, Kings Chamber in Egypt." This is what I got. http://reincarnationforum.com/threads/ancient-egyptian-spirit.1271/
Within The Great Pyramid the magnetics drop to almost Zero in the top chamber. A spiritual journey (ritual) began with the chamber (below ground level) where initiates would enter "the Pit" also referred to as the Dark Light Chamber. There they would embrace their worst fears and enter the "Dark Night of the Soul."
The goal in this first step is to arrive at the realization that no matter what comes to you, no matter what you face, no matter how devastating a situation, you are still intact. There can be no fear if the fear is given no power upon which to feed.
Following the process and completing of this first step -initiates would move into the Queens Chamber in the middle of the pyramid to demonstrate their ability to BALANCE the polarities of Dark and Light. They would have to "hold that balance" for an unspecified period of time.
I have been challenged so much and have needed to triumph over my fears on a daily basis, and I found this and the King's Pyramid info very appropriate if not revelatory for my subject / title of the project.
Thus I begin…..
At first I was going to do a project where I go and do sound "healing" and ceremony for Homeless Soldiers at the Veterans administration. I am a therapeutic sound practitioner (27 years) by trade. I was going to shoot some video footage interviewing the Soldiers and get their responses to the experiences, as I have never done work like that before. With Trauma you have to be especially sensitive and the Project CEO was going to train me in this before I presented so that the soldiers didn’t have PTSD reactions. But when I talked to the organizer, she said I can not do a ceremony (it would seem too woo woo), can not take photos or video, and can not interview the soldiers or ask them about their experience. I decided to pass on the idea.
So what to do? I decided to write and paint about the experiences that are currently consuming my life. Let me elaborate.
It's October 2017. I am going through a major break-up. My relationship left me and took many of the expensive belongings with him along with the income.
I helped him get his last divorce (legal paperwork writing and coaching) and his disability claim and then inevitable retirement together for 5 years with the promise he would then help me as we would then be established financially. I put my life ambitions on hold to help him, then he took off after receiving a big settlement when it was finally his turn to help me fully. I did everything I could to make our relationship work emotionally but my efforts seemed to have no affect in getting us to bond more. He came from a fractured and troubled family, where mine was more normal for the most part. My fall back method is communication, and his is to run or fight. Even-though I felt that this could be healed, I found that nothing seemed to work. Of course this is how I see these events. He inevitably saw through different eyes.
I have been a sound healing practitioner since 1992, and after I had finished helping him, I started pouring myself into the business and he started helping as per our agreement. When he left suddenly after begrudgingly helping for about a year, I had no one to aid with logistics, engineering hauling, and other parts the business that were allocated to him. Without finances, to support the endeavor and live, I was on the verge of homelessness. The court ordered him to make payments but he refused to do so. He cut off the auto insurance and left me unknowingly driving without it as he never informed me he was taking me off the policy. It is against the law to do this. I have been on welfare and food-stamps for the first time in my life.
Life has been like quicksand, and changes with the wind as things he does seem to upset the apple cart. My world seems tenuous and turbulent. Since the time he left, I am actually happier in many ways though few things have fallen into place that insure stability and safety. There have been bouts of fear, panic and uncertainty.
To reiterate, I really have no idea what I am doing in my life at this point, and my PROJECT is about that fact. I was banking my life on the very thing that evaporated. Now I draw a blank. Nothing occurs to me, nothing comes forward. And since I seem to have no idea what I am doing at all, I decided that I am starting where I am at, from that theme, from the NOWHERE SPACE.
What happens when your guidance is pointing you nowhere, clarity evades you and you are fumbling around in the dark? When your efforts seemingly amount to nothing and you have put your energy into a dead end? Some of my journal work leading up to this project was about the fact that I seem to be doing everything from uncertainty. It’s like my whole life is going through a major revision into uncharted territory. Even though I am an artist (past accomplishments and training) I have decided to let myself off the hook and do this project with no intent to make works representational or beautiful or artistic or even good. Just to explore from this place I find myself in. The space for me needed to be "One that is a bit out of my control" like my life, and strangely enough, it seems to echo the current climate in the world where everything is being turned on it's head. In my journal I did a few works where I was painting in the dark. I couldn’t see what colors of paint I was choosing or what it looked like for the most part when I was painting - a parable for my life. I asked the universe for some intervention and got – the word Inspiration. One question became, "How do I get inspiration when I don’t know where I am headed or how to get there?" "Would it even be effective if I discovered something?"
What happens when you are dealing with someone that appears to think nothing of lying and being deceptive? I find that I have in a way changed the way that I have behaved. Where I normally would be open and telling the truth, I have chosen to become more guarded and withholding to protect myself because I find the truth is being used against me. This in some ways has undermined me being open, honest and all the things I revere, thereby dragging me into the morass in a way. The borders have greyed between what is actually good for me to do. It has not at all been comfortable as I am hard pressed to be deceptive or withholding in any way. How does one deal with this? What are the decisions that are in the dark or the light? Good or bad, right or wrong when you are in protective mode. Look to the "#MeToo" phenomenon for a clue!
FOR THIS PROJECT, I HAVE CHOSEN TO PRODUCE an extended body of work writing poetry coupled with producing a new series of paintings executed in the dark symbolizing my journey. These documents and Art works are located below. Some of these ranged from creating them in complete darkness, dim light or with eyes closed. I explored painting and letting only feelings direct me, not visual senses. I used only what was leftover / what I already had in my possession (except for one item). My paints that I have had for years suddenly can no longer be found - Either gone or buried in storage. I only managed to find some sub-par quality tubes we bought at a thrift store where the oil in them has separated from the pigment. So I have been making due with what is leftover - my new life being created from what is remaining, even if it seems not optimal. Example, I did not have access to charcoal for drawing but I had access to a charcoal that you would use for incense lighting so I did a drawing with it in my journal.
This Final Project called DARK LIGHT is dedicated to the light that leads me in the dark, the not knowing what to do, and how to do it but doing it anyway, and to feeling my way around "in the dark" when I do not know the ramifications of all my actions. Also DARK LIGHT describes the blur between light and dark and the choices you may make when dealing with less than optimal circumstances.
Further when I told a friend the subject and title of my project, she said, "do you know what the term Dark Light means?", and suggested I look up "Dark Light, Kings Chamber in Egypt." This is what I got. http://reincarnationforum.com/threads/ancient-egyptian-spirit.1271/
Within The Great Pyramid the magnetics drop to almost Zero in the top chamber. A spiritual journey (ritual) began with the chamber (below ground level) where initiates would enter "the Pit" also referred to as the Dark Light Chamber. There they would embrace their worst fears and enter the "Dark Night of the Soul."
The goal in this first step is to arrive at the realization that no matter what comes to you, no matter what you face, no matter how devastating a situation, you are still intact. There can be no fear if the fear is given no power upon which to feed.
Following the process and completing of this first step -initiates would move into the Queens Chamber in the middle of the pyramid to demonstrate their ability to BALANCE the polarities of Dark and Light. They would have to "hold that balance" for an unspecified period of time.
I have been challenged so much and have needed to triumph over my fears on a daily basis, and I found this and the King's Pyramid info very appropriate if not revelatory for my subject / title of the project.
Thus I begin…..
Poetry / Spoken Word Docs - for "Dark Light" Project
All the poems and paintings are listed in order of their creation accept for - brush cleaning painting 8.
Click on each file below to read the prose.
Click on each file below to read the prose.

well_run_dry.pdf | |
File Size: | 57 kb |
File Type: |

dim_the_lamps.pdf | |
File Size: | 60 kb |
File Type: |
![]()
![]()
2. Painting in the Dark, dimly lit room with my eyes closed. This was painted by focusing on my inner feelings and opening the energy around the feelings. Was not painted by looking at the canvas. Paint Tubes were drawn randomly and I could not see the color. Here I let the feeling space lead me.
4. Painting in the Dark. At the Ocean. Prior to doing this work, my friend was having a birthday party at a fire-pit on the beach. I was asked to lead a drum circle. I passed out rattles and we all did a ceremony together (smudged) and then danced around the fire counterclockwise to let go of things we no longer wanted into the fire, and then clockwise to remember and gather one's innate knowing. Then they went home and I went to paint. This was a dimly lit space at night (lifeguard building) as I was at the ocean and some city lights were around. I could not see what I was doing as I didn't know what paint colors I was using, and picked them randomly. Further I could not see any of the paints as separate colors. I only saw dark shapes on canvas. Big airplanes were flying overhead. Above.
6. Here is the Painting Entitled "Dark Light." It is being viewed in full light after I painted it in the dark. The white on top of it is not white paint rather it is glow in the dark paint. It's proving hard to photograph it with my camera. It is not dry yet. The paint was very dim glowing when I was painting with it in the dark and I really couldn't see what I was doing for the most part, but I could see it better than the non glow in the dark paint. The background was painted in the dark separately but I chose the colors in the light before I started. I wanted to comment about possibly having a few elements or one element that you could Identify while still working in the dark. It's funny but I see a face in this and 2 rabbits (the fear callers) and 2 or 3 pi signs and someone almost falling down towards the left of center. I never meant to do that consciously.
7. This piece actually was a bit of a shock when I saw it. I painted this in a lot of blackness. Almost no light. I couldn't see my hands and felt around in the dark for brushes and water and the paint tubes. (this is dangerous work as I have gotten paint on things I would rather not have) I thought there was an excessive amount of paint on the brushes but found out there was almost nearly none. The expelling of my delusions! This painting was especially cool for me as I was pouring my feelings into the piece and a lot of grief came up. The funny part is you go through this stage for 1 to 3 seconds where you are painting in the dark and pretending to know what you are doing. You are immediately reminded that you have no idea what you are doing. It's an interesting feeling.
9. I was outside on the porch in the dark. I could see dark trees and bushes against the dark sky. This work is capturing the impressions of the night. I didn't know what paint I was using and was surprised it was so sparse when I was done. I thought I used a lot of paint.
|
1. Painting as it was going from later afternoon to getting dark. Out in Nature at Paramount Ranch. It ended up getting pitch black and I was there after hours.
![]() 3. Painting in a room while concentrating on the water that was spreading the paint and feeling space.
5. Painting in the Dark. At the Ocean siting on top of a Lifeguard building. I could not see color. I would pull random tubes of paint out of a bag when working. There was some dim light so I saw some shape. When I transported the painting, the paper in the journal stuck to the painting a little and the paper above the painting picked up some interesting artifacts. Surprises come from what you are not prepared for when you are in the mode I am in. The police were coming to clear out the beach when I was painting and flashed their lights and drove away, giving a warning to the beach-goers - I finished the work after 12:30 am, 30 minutes after, when the police finally came back to ask everyone to leave. Done right on time!
6a. This is the "Dark Light" painting seen in the dark. The same painting as on the left but photographed in the dark. The only thing I bought for this project was this luminous paint. Something new introduced that was not tainted from the past. My roommate came home and photographed it for me as he has a better camera that picks up the phosphorescence. The glowing to me represents the light that is left when fear, negative programing / illusions are cleared out of the subconscious and one acts from a place of congruent determination. This painting goes along with the "Dark Light" spoken word poetry document above. I still see some of the bright artifacts in the painting on the left but only the brightest places shine through.
As the saying from the information about the King's pyramid says, no matter how difficult it gets, there is a knowing that I will overcome the fear and trials and make it through. This has been my rallying call. This one also symbolizes the balance between the dark and light as both are equally prominent. ![]() 8. A Painting in the Dark to Remove all the old paint from the brush. Making the process part of the work and sacred. Purging the old to make way for the new. 10. This piece was done on the porch in the dark where I live . I could not see the colors I was using. In fact I thought for sure that it was the same set of colors I was using on the painting before this one, the dark stick like trees. I was completely taken aback that they were so different. While doing this one, I connected with a deep well of despair came up and sadness. It was pretty pervasive. Looking at it, I like the way it dripped all over the place as it looks like it was oozing feeling.
|
Culmination: This project brought a lot up for me. I found that I have a deep well of grief that I haven't made time to process. In addition, looking up the Black Light / Egyptian information put what I am going through into a greater context that provided some clarity and encouragement. This project for me has the opportunity to be a turning point where I don't allow fear and worry take hold even in the worst situations. I learned that this well of grief further has something to offer me as it is still there, and I feel inspired to spend some more time exploring there. The poetry that came was partially cathartic, while giving a voice to my internal dilemmas, encouraging aspects, and empathy. Thank you all for reviewing this.